Even the most fun situations are boring without friends, and even the most boring situations are fun with friends - friends will make or break your college experience. If you feel lonely, classes will seem harder, stress will seem more overwhelming, and you’ll feel bad for laughing when you see a random person get hit square in the face with a volleyball - because we all know you wouldn’t feel bad for laughing if it was your friend.

However, this need for friendship is exponentiated even more when we are trying to serve God. Having healthy relationships with those in our community does more than just fill a social need, but it is a part of our calling. How can we be a light to the world if we don’t know how to get along with those we are supposed to be seeking God’s kingdom with?

This generation may even feel more isolated with social media increasing the FOMO effect. You don’t want to feel left out, but with everyone posting pictures with friends on social media, it’s easy to feel like everyone is living their best lives now while you’re struggling to balance school, work, and a social life. That’s why we’ve composed this list to help give you some tips and mindsets to consider for making and keeping friends.

1. Follow the Golden Rule

“Do Unto Others As You Would Have them Do Unto You” - Matthew 7:12

I know you’ve heard it before, but it’s true: “If you want a friend, be a friend.” It’s pretty much the golden rule applied to friendship. Friendship is not a spectator sport, nor is it one where you play defense - you have to go on the offensive, jump in, and take some risks. If you want to hang out, ask someone to hang out. If you’re feeling down, and no one is talking to you about it, talk to someone else because they may not be talking to you because they’re feeling down too.

If you’re an introvert and being proactive about developing relationships isn’t really your style then don’t be surprised if you end up feeling lonely. A big part of being a friend is taking action, and putting in the work to become a friend; it requires effort. You have to be proactive if you want good friends, even during times when you don’t feel like being a friend.

2. Get Uncomfortable

“Consider one another as more important than yourselves.” - Philippians 2:3

Often, people wait until they meet someone they feel good around and then slowly bring them into their comfort zone and then consider them a friend. While this sounds like a reasonable way to go about it, you may be waiting forever if your comfort zone is too small (or others won’t want to be in your comfort zone because it is suffocating). Instead, you have to learn to expand your comfort zones to be able to include others, even ones who you may find difficult or strange, but friendship isn’t a buffet where we can choose who we want, often it’s a plated dinner and you get whatever you’re served. Sometimes the problem isn’t other people’s weirdness, but our own unwillingness to include people who may not fit our standard idea of what we want our friends to be like.

We should view people the way God does, and seek his counsel on how we should be treating them. If they are someone who is also trying to seek first the Kingdom of God, then they are co-laborers for his kingdom, and we should treat them with all the more respect. That’s one of the good things about being a part of a bible-believing community: you are among people who are subjecting themselves to the authority of Scripture. This means the moral standards you are abiding by should be the same. However, don’t be too zealous to make a friend that you forget to exercise discernment, but hopefully, you also have older, more experienced and authoritative members of the community you live in to help ensure people are using wisdom with how they approach one another.

3. Exercise Faith & Vulnerability

“Love…Believes all Things” - 1 Corinthians 13:7

Making new friends requires some faith. You have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable in order to develop trust and grow your relationships. But for some people, vulnerability is not their strong suit. Everyone has their own unique background which has shaped who they are and how willing or avoidant they are to trusting others. However, as the people of God, we are supposed to have faith, not just in God, but in people as well (John 14:1). This means we have to learn to trust others, which can require some faith if we are still getting to know them. Being willing to open up and let people see the real you -flaws included - is a big part of developing friendships.

Also, as people of faith, we should be creating safe environments for people to be able to open up. We shouldn’t be exploiting their mistakes or vulnerabilities, but walking with them through struggles and pain to help them figure out how to look more like Jesus as they develop and mature during those times.

Conflict and Forgiveness with college friends — “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Your Anger”

4. Get Good at Conflict Resolution

“Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Your Anger” - Ephesians 4:26

Some people may be young and immature. However, just because they have a toxic trait (or two or three) doesn’t mean we cancel them or try our best to avoid them without looking like we are trying to avoid them (come on, we’ve all done it). Instead, we can be the catalyst for the needed change. We can continue to love despite the flaws and unhealthy habits of others, knowing it is kindness which leads to repentance. This requires us to speak the truth in love, which means addressing conflict in a proper manner. Don’t stay away from conflict, or make it worse by being passive aggressive, but instead face it head on.

Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” As you build each other up in love, you are not only developing each other, but the bond of friendship as well. We shouldn’t be afraid to address people’s habits or things they have done that were wrong. Instead, we should be aggressively seeking to resolve issues so as to ensure the relationships we are in are healthy and pleasing to God.

5. Learn Forgiveness

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” - Ephesians 4:32

Often, people are not good at having friends because they don’t know how to forgive. They allow little (or big) mistakes to sever what could still be a very wholesome friendship. Sometimes we can be overly sensitive to the flaws of others that our own pride keeps us from wanting to continue being friends. But if you plan on making lasting friendships, you have to learn how to forgive.

The more you trust someone, the more possibility that you’ll get hurt. In fact, at some point or another, you likely will get hurt. But rather than using that situation to distance yourself from them, turn it into an opportunity for vulnerability and growth. This is only possible though if you learn to forgive. Before throwing stones, we have to remember that we also have sinned and have needed forgiveness.

6. Serve with Others

“and he called the twelve to him and began to send them out two by two…” - Mark 6:7

Yeah, you won’t find this one on most of your typical “How to make friends” lists, but it’s a good one. Spending time with people is one of the best ways to build friendships, but it becomes even more special when you’re serving other people together. Take advantage of opportunities where you get to spend time working with others; the benefit is not just in what you are accomplishing, but also the relationships you are developing along the way. When you work with someone, your dynamic evolves and you begin to learn how to work as a team. But not just that, you’re creating memories together - you can’t have a memorable friendship without making some memories. And if you are serving the Lord, then you know the work you are doing is something which is making a spiritual impact.

Student reflecting on how to increase social awareness — Increase Your Awareness: “Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men”

7. Increase Your Awareness

Luke 2:52: “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and Men”

Increasing your self-awareness as well as awareness of those around you can help you deepen the friendships you have. One of the ways you can develop healthy relationships is by developing into a holistic person like Jesus, who matured mentally, socially, and spiritually. Being aware of yourself allows you to know how you need to grow; being aware of others allows you to know how you can grow in your friendship with them.

One way to increase your awareness is by becoming a good listener. Listening can help you learn about others which is quite essential to developing friends. You don’t have to have all the answers for people when they talk to you, most of the time people just want someone to talk to (if you had all the answers, you wouldn’t still be in college). But even during difficult conversations, it’s important you learn to actively listen.

8. Pray Together

“ For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” - Matthew 18:20

The friends that pray together, slay demonic forces together….or stay together….or something like that - the key word being “together.” Prayer connects us with God, and when we pray collectively, it unites us with others as well. Bringing God into your relationships is a key element of ensuring those friendships become healthy and stay healthy. To sum this section up, allow these 1980’s song lyrics from Michael W. Smith to get stuck in your head: “‘Cause our hearts in big and small ways will keep the love that keeps us strong, and friends are friends forever if the Lord is the Lord of them, and a friend will not say never because the welcome will not end … In the Father’s hands we know that a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends.”

9. Shared Values

“By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments.” - 1 John 5:2

Shared values are different from shared interests. People could have similar likes, such as being Nashville Predator fans, but if that is the only thing holding their friendship together, then it’s a relatively shallow relationship. Shared values on the other hand can allow people with very different hobbies to be united - especially on the things that matter most. A Nashville Predators fan could stand alongside a Chicago Blackhawks fan as they march together and petition for an increase in teachers’ salaries, because they both understand the value of education in creating a healthy society.

This doesn’t mean you can’t get along with others who may live by a different set of values, but it’s not hard to see why having the same moral code is going to strengthen your relationship. When you are learning God’s word at a Bible college, you are learning God’s values, which allows you to not only connect with him, but others who also uphold his word. You begin to think alike, as you adapt to the mind of Christ, not in an alien-hive mind sort of way, but by understanding the precedent set by Jesus’s life and how it can transform societies if we uphold those values together.

10. Shared Purpose

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” - Matthew 5:16

Sharing a purpose, especially one given by the creator of the universe, is something special. It is this purpose that can keep people united even after years apart. If people's life goals aren’t anchored in fulfilling God’s vision for society, then it should come as no surprise if people drift apart. When you are connected to something much bigger than yourself, time and distance won’t dissolve the bond forged by a united vocation given by God. When you and your friends are connected to the vine, you should be filled with the same spirit. Investing into people who have answered the calling God has put on them will result in lifelong friendships.

If you plan on coming to the Institute for G.O.D. (or if you are already enrolled), then there are plenty of opportunities for you to develop deep, meaningful relationships with your classmates, teachers, and alumni. Whether you are worshiping together, learning God’s Word together, volunteering together, or taking part in your accountability groups, there are a multitude of ways you can build lasting friendships that can stand the test of time. Check us out on Zeemee for a more in-depth look at what student life is like here at the Institute.

10 Tips the Bible Gives Us About Being a Good Friend [Great for College Students]